Inland, Dreaming of Waves

Uncouth till the end

I've got the farts tonight, I think because I ate lots of salad and then went to Krav Maga. Being put in headlocks must have upset my stomach. We were doing front headlocks tonight, and so when I tried to "pluck" my partner's arm from around my neck, I kept grabbing her boob.

My husband once called me the most flatulent woman alive. That may be true, but I'm not sure what I can do about it. I've been this way as long as I can remember, and I can't see an insurance company thinking it is a big medical emergency.

"Excuse me, doctor, but I fart too much."

"Well, ma'am, is there a particular food that bothers you?"

"Yes, potatoes, cheese, guacamole, and beans. Sometimes, if I haven't eaten for a few hours, any old food will do."

"Stop eating those foods."

It would be downright un-American, wouldn't it, for a doctor to make me give up cheese fries? Not that I eat them more than once a year, but still...

***

I had a moment today when I felt incredibly stupid in front of two older men, my general contractor and the electrician who was working on the kitchen. I bought the appliances months ago, when Great Indoors was having a sale, and the range has been sitting in my garage for a month. But not until today did it occur to me that it might be too tall for the wall it's supposed to sit against. We cut a big hole in the wall between the kitchen and the dining room. Now there's only 3 feet of wall. But the stove is 4 feet tall in back.

Good job.

So I had to drag my contractor to the store so he could help me buy something more suitable (meaning $800 more expensive). The entire reason I got a slide-in range was to save money over a cooktop and wall oven. Now I think I've spent almost as much as those two items would have cost. Great.

posted by Price of Silence @ 10:34 PM